Review: This week, we get another two-for-one! Two episodes of New Girl. But, unlike, last week, these weren’t two unrelated episodes with different themes. Both episodes revolved around Schmidt and Cece’s bachelor(ette) party and both resulted in chaos.
When Schmidt and Cece get yelled at by a very dangerous fellow called Toby – seriously, Toby yells his name about 50 times – , it messes Schmidt up so much that he changes his Tokio plans to a “manlier” trip to Las Vegas through the desert. Schmidt takes all his groomsmen – Nick, Winston (though he’s a bridesman), Cece’s ex Robbie (who’s still in love with her), Big Schmidt and J. Cronkite Valley-Forge (but sadly not Coach) – on the road trip.
Because Schmidt is not “horny beach trash”, he foregoes the convertible and goes with a very manly motorcycle. It doesn’t take long for him to crash it right near a biker bar in the middle of the desert. Nick suggests he walks in all manly and tough and drinks the pain away with some whiskey.
It… backfires. Schmidt accidentally changes the jukebox to Katy Perry and then manages to offend all the bikers in the bar. Which leads to a stand-off where Schmidt channels Toby by loudly yelling his name. This works for a hot minute until Winston (pumped up on five whiskeys thanks to Big Schmmidt!) steps outside to smash some biker property. To the soundtrack of Katy Perry’s “Roar”, Schmidt and the guys (minus Big Schmidt) attack the bikers. And promptly get beaten up.
Later, Nick patches Schmidt up with a band aid and Schmidt admits that he’s worried that he won’t be a strong enough husband for Cece and won’t be able to defend her. Nick assures him that in 2016, the odds of Cece looking for a “strong” husband are slim, and that Schmidt definitely has what it takes to be a modern husband. And how does Nick know this? Because for all these years, he’s been the best husband Nick could ever have asked for.
When Nick and Schmidt return to the other guys, they’re just reminiscing about their lost loves. Back at the car rental shop, Winston got a text from Jess that Aly and Tripp were “on the squirts”! And, before they entered the biker bar, Big Schmidt snatched Winston’s phone away, because he couldn’t focus on anything else. Riiiiight before he got a reply from Jess on whether or not Aly and Tripp had broken up.
When Winston eventually gets his phone back after Schmidt and Nick’s heart to heart, he reads the text from Jess saying that Aly and Tripp have broken up! The guys decide that this is the perfect time for Winston to tell Aly how he feels and that instead of going to Vegas, they should focus on that!
Minus Big Schmidt, of course. Big Schmidt falls for a woman wearing a vest made out of her dead Rottweiler in the biker bar, hooks up with her in the bathroom and follows her into the desert. This might be the last time we’ll ever see Big Schmidt.
The second episode of the night, focuses on Cece’s bachelorette party! Right after the guys had left for manly their road trip, Jess surpised Cece with nailpolish, comfy socks, Canadian Broadcast Television’s 1985 masterpiece Anne of Green Gables on DVD… and a bong! Chill day in, it is! Cece and Jess get high, even though every time Jess smokes weed, she almost dies.
During Anne of Green Gables, a hunky Post Office worker (and definitely not a stripper!) delivers Cece and Schmidt’s first registered wedding present from Schmidt’s mom. It’s a bread-maker! But the note, which emphasizes how easy the bread-maker is to use, even for Cece, makes Cece wonder if she’ll be a good wife. Because Jess’s bong has messed with their critical thinking skills, they beat the bread-maker with a stick and destroy it.
Realizing that they need to replace it before Schmidt finds out, they go back to the store, where they’re told that replacing the bread maker won’t be an option seeing as they destroyed it themselves. There’s some back and forth, because Jess and Cece are still very very high. This is when they run into Aly and Tripp, who get into a fight about it being Aly’s five year cop-anniversary and Tripp being to busy with his animals to celebrate with her. Jess texts Winston, as Cece and Jess try to replace their broken bread-maker with the floor model.
An unsuspecting Aly then catches them in the act and just when they’re headed out, all three women are arrested for shop lifting by a mall cop who takes his job a little too seriously. In “mall jail” (the lost and found area), Jess assures Cece that she’ll be able to take care of Schmidt, because she’s always taken such good care of Jess. She’s a Mama Bear! Then, Aly convinces them that they need to get out of there before the real cops get there and she loses her job. After Cece does some Mama Bear yelling and they throw a lot of found baby shoes and clothing at the mall cop, the three of them manage to escape!
And, being Jess, she then accidentally tells Aly that Winston has a crush on her. Back at the loft, Aly is still trying to wrap around this bit of information and she reveals that she hasn’t broken up with Tripp at all. Of course this is *after* Jess had already texted Winston that Aly’s single.
Aly doesn’t get much time to think about it, because right then, the guys burst in so Winston can confess his feelings! The guys sing “Alison” by Elvis Costello, as Winston tells Aly that he really, really likes her. Aly’s touched, even though Aly isn’t short for Alison, but she’s still with Tripp. Winston is hurt but still super sweet about it, because he’s Winston, and he congratulates Aly with her cop-iversary, something Tripp couldn’t even do. Aaaaaand then they kiss. Finally!
But, again, not much time to think about that, because then everybody gets kidnapped by Nadia’s henchmen and they end up on a party truck with both male and female strippers!