Warning: This is the episode recap of the third episode of Jersey Shore Family Vacation. This post is dark and full of spoilers.

Still Spiraling

After spending the ENTIRE day boozing, Ron and Nicole are wasted. I have to admit, this does not surprise me.

Food is crucial when you are drinking yourself into a stupor. The Spiral Squad stumbles to the buffet to get some much needed fatty foods to soak up the alcohol they consumed. One problem: Nicole is dropping the food on herself like a helpless infant. She then passes out in her chair. I am guessing this is hashtag Spiral Squad goals?

Ah Yeah, Ranchelor Party Planning, Yeah!

The Jersey Shore Family Vacation crew is planning a bachelor party for Mike. But, this is not any old bachelor party; this is a ranchelor party!

The girls want an innocent ranchelor party with games and good foods. The boys, namely Pauly and Vinny, have other ideas, however.

Pauly calls a guy who is the plug for all debauchery in Lake George and Operation Stripperpalooza is activated.

Emotion Before the Commotion

Before the festivities begin, Mike gives a heartfelt speech to his  brothers and sisters.  He says,

Well guys, I’d like to thank all you guys for coming to get me. I was not gonna come out here. I was gonna just stay home with Lauren, I was sort of forced to come but at the same time, once I got here, I was so happy. Because there would be no bunch of people that I would be able to enjoy myself around except for you guys and Laurens. I love every one of you guys and I’m grateful that we have each other in each other’s life today. So, thank you guys so much. Love you guys!

I Love Having a Ranchelor Party This Time of Year

The “entertainment” has arrived. And by entertainment, I mean seven scantily clad women. Mike is blindfolded and the ladies gyrate on him while the rest of the family makes it rain dollar bills.

Mike is visibly uncomfortable.

It is spectacular.

There is one more surprise for Mike. The crew blindfolds him and usher in Lauren to sit on his lap. The blindfold comes off and Mike’s face lights up.

All is Not Right in Ronnieville

Ron is still in his feelings. He attempts to engage Jenni in conversation again to discuss her relationship (or lack there of) with Roger. She rebuffs his attempt and he is annoyed.

Ronnie is tired of being the butt of everyone’s jokes. especially when Jenni has her own drama that nobody mentions. At this point, he is taking it as disrespect.

Smore’s Well That Ends Well

Smores and campfires solve any friction. Unfortunately, on Jersey Shore Family Vacation, it does not solve drama. Pauly teased Angelina about leaving way back in season one. Instead of clapping back at Pauly, she gets at Vinny. Vinny takes the high road and does not entertain the nonsense but Angelina will not stop being argumentative.

Seriously, these two need to hate bang already.